When the ‘Best’ job in the world just isn’t..

I see the happiness splattered constantly over social media, and the joy in my friends faces when they talk about it, however I can’t help but feel a knife jabbing further and further into my heart every time I think about it. What is ‘IT’ exactly? Well it’s the ‘best’ job in the world of course… That of being a Mum. But what happens when everyone around you is loving it sick, and you are just waiting for your turn of joy to begin? It makes me so sad to even write this, but I honestly feel like if there is even just ONE other person out there who feels the same way, then we can run off to an island together and live happily ever after (lol I’m clearly joking, but can we at least vent to each other?).

I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. and I’m finding myself really questioning every facet of my life, but predominantly my role as a mother. Pre kids I envisioned that I would be this homely, earth mama type figure who would cook wholesome organic meals and snacks that the kids would devour whilst politely asking ‘more please mama’, we would spend our days exploring nature, completing educational activities and live happily ever after. Instead, I firstly realise that my expectations were FUCKED, and secondly, the reality is that my son pretty much hates the sight of me. The littlest one though, she’s obsessed – I’ll take it, and pray to god she doesn’t follow the same path as her brother.

They say this time in your life is supposed to be the happiest, but what happens when it isn’t? We always read/see/hear just how FABULOUS everyones lives are. How AMAZING it is being a mother, the detailing of outings, beautiful things the children are doing, the contentment it brings people.Β But what about those of us, who aren’t enjoying it? Sure you can slap a few label around.. ‘complainer’ or ‘ungrateful’, but not before spending an entire month in my shoes.Β Every.Single.Day. Is a battle. A battle I honestly no longer want to be in. I never thought I would be one of ‘those’ Mums. You know, the ones – who give up. I’m not talking in a suicidal way, but a ‘I really want to just run for the hills’ manner. I’ve started having regretful thoughts ‘Should I have even had children?’. These then move onto Karma.. ‘What did I do to ‘deserve’ this behaviour?’. Followed swiftly behind by the ‘what if’ train ‘What if I did this, or that?’. I’m Frustrated. Confused. Fed Up. Sad. Angry. Depressed. Emotional. Emotionless.Β Exhausted. and at times I feel so ‘mood swingy’, my emotions go from one extreme to the next – like his behaviour.

I think these feelings are worse because it isn’t like I HATE all parts of motherhood, because I don’t. It’s horrible because I only feel this way due to behaviour of one within the troop. It literally all boils down to that. The cold hard truth. It does not mean I love any less, in fact I love more, over the top if you will, to try and ‘fix’ things.Β It really stings to write it. I never thought I would share this intimately. But the loneliness and isolation due to lack of understanding from those immediately surrounding us eats away the quieter I keep.

The truth is. I love my children more than anything. But there are days when simply, love isn’t enough. Some days I am not enough for my kids. They want my patience, which is depleted. They want my attention, which I’ve run out of. At the end of these days, I can’t muster more than keeping them fed, safe and warm. They deserve better. I honestly feel like the shittest Mum, for feeling the way I do. I know I’m not, because the fact that I care, speaks volumes. And I long for better days, but for now, I’ll ride the storm, on an inflatable flamingo with a hole in her wing, slowly drowning, but hopefully not before someone comes along with one of those sticky patch thingies to repair the hole (which by the way is probably super hard to do whilst mid storm in the middle of the ocean – cause yeah.. I ride flamingos in Oceans.. nothing is more invigorating than riding a bird that cannot swim in a body of water that is filled with marine animals that would like to consume said flamingo. In fact I’m fairly certain flamingos probably can’t even float along the water like other birds – have you ever seen a flamingo float? Yeah me either. Risk Taker! p.s that was my attempt at ‘lightning’ the mood. Get it, lightening / lightning / storm. Okay I’ll shut up)

Anyways, I guess I don’t actually know the ‘purpose’ of this article? Maybe a vent, maybe a teeny tiny cry for HALP, maybe a bit of both lol? But if you are reading this and you are feeling these feelings, then please know you aren’t alone. I often wish there were others letting me know that. Because I tell you what, the world is very big, yet so small. People are always happy to take your highs, but disappear when your low.

 

Author: Bec Crombie

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  • Word for word I hear you. I have 3 boys under 5 and I’m barely surving each day on little sleep. And hubby doesn’t have a clue! But I am assured by mummas who are slightly ahead of me that this is normal, and one day soon things will ease. So for now I rely on coffee and wine to glue me together! Ha!

  • You are farthest from a shit mum, like you said the fact you are sharing your feelings speaks volumes. I feel for you, and I understand how you feel. I have days where I want to throw the towel in. Days where I feel guilty for having no patience for my son when I haven’t seen him for 2 days. But they push our buttons. I fear that as he gets older things will get more difficult. And to make it worse all my friends have ‘perfect’ boys. Ride out the storm babe, in your fabulous flamingo. We need to get a coffee, stat. Much love xx

  • I feel exactly the same thank you for writing this , I can’t explain to my partner or my friends /family how I’ve been feeling this says it all

  • πŸ™ŒπŸΌ you go girl! So good when mothers speak the real truth of being a parent. Proud of you and I don’t even know you. 😘

  • We’ll all be here with you (in instagram land) and help you through the lows. Keep talking, keep sharing and know that there are many more of us out there that are thinking and feeling the same thing. Together, we can all lessen the load. Big love x

  • I totally get this. I’m only have one kid (nearly 5yo Son) and he’s usually pretty good BUT we certainly have days when I just want to curl up for days to escape behaviours etc. It certainly doesn’t make me love him any less (he’s the love of my life) but it does make me doubt myself as being the Mum I always thought I would/could be sometimes. I think you’re an amazing Mum & know that you inspire each & every one of your followers. Chin up. Tomorrow is a new day. Xx

  • You are an amazing mum Bec and we are all on this journey called motherhood together. We all have our moments and we all have our good and bad days too. Thank you for being honest & open I am always here in he distance if you ever need a chat over a wine babe xxx

  • I’m a working mum of one, and I feel every single one of your thoughts. People never tell you that being mum is not only the most amazing thing you’ll experience, but also the hardest, most degrading, most exhausting (on every level) experience you’ll ever encounter.
    Remember that no matter your thought, you are not the only one having it at that moment.
    My mum gave me the best advice in the world when I first started my journey: ‘It’s okay to hate your child, because you don’t really. You just hate that moment, minute, week, month.’ And she’s right. You don’t hate it, you’re just hating that moment where you’re in living hell.
    Remember that mums always struggle, we just don’t always share it for fear of judgement, failure, admitting your flaws.
    Be strong. You are not alone. I feel it sometimes too.

  • Oh babes I so feel you especially during that last week of hubs being away at work. We all do our best and I bet your kids think your wonderful (or maybe a little bit crazy like mine do) hold your head high girl your amazing

  • OMG I’ve been feeling this way a lot lately and I truly thought I was the only one! So good yet sad to see I’m not alone! Take me with you if you do decide to go and find that peaceful island in the sun β˜€οΈ πŸ˜¬πŸ˜©πŸ‘πŸ½

  • You’re an incredible mum and the fact you have openly shared this speaks volumes of your nature. Firstly, I cannot begin to imagine parenting on my own with a husband FIFO, hats off to you. Secondly, motherhood has a way of making us lose ourselves and feel lonely even with people around us, I think we all have those days where we’re like, “is this really who I am?” Or “no one gets me”. It’s challenging, tiring yet I’m so many ways rewarding. You will come through this on top and we all have your back (in the Insta sense). Hopefully this is just a phase little man is going through. Never doubt your ability as a mother, you’re amazing and some days we do just do the minimum. Any mum that tells you they don’t is kying! Lol

  • I am in aisle 5 of Coles with tears streaming down my face. Tears of relief. Someone is in the same boat as me. I actually wrote ablog piece on this EXACT situation. I’ll DM you the link if you ever want to read a fellow mum’s journey through the same thing. I hear you. I feel you. I TOTALLY get you! X