I see the happiness splattered constantly over social media, and the joy in my friends faces when they talk about it, however I can’t help but feel a knife jabbing further and further into my heart every time I think about it. What is ‘IT’ exactly? Well it’s the ‘best’ job in the world of course… That of being a Mum. But what happens when everyone around you is loving it sick, and you are just waiting for your turn of joy to begin? It makes me so sad to even write this, but I honestly feel like if there is even just ONE other person out there who feels the same way, then we can run off to an island together and live happily ever after (lol I’m clearly joking, but can we at least vent to each other?).
I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. and I’m finding myself really questioning every facet of my life, but predominantly my role as a mother. Pre kids I envisioned that I would be this homely, earth mama type figure who would cook wholesome organic meals and snacks that the kids would devour whilst politely asking ‘more please mama’, we would spend our days exploring nature, completing educational activities and live happily ever after. Instead, I firstly realise that my expectations were FUCKED, and secondly, the reality is that my son pretty much hates the sight of me. The littlest one though, she’s obsessed – I’ll take it, and pray to god she doesn’t follow the same path as her brother.
They say this time in your life is supposed to be the happiest, but what happens when it isn’t? We always read/see/hear just how FABULOUS everyones lives are. How AMAZING it is being a mother, the detailing of outings, beautiful things the children are doing, the contentment it brings people. But what about those of us, who aren’t enjoying it? Sure you can slap a few label around.. ‘complainer’ or ‘ungrateful’, but not before spending an entire month in my shoes. Every.Single.Day. Is a battle. A battle I honestly no longer want to be in. I never thought I would be one of ‘those’ Mums. You know, the ones – who give up. I’m not talking in a suicidal way, but a ‘I really want to just run for the hills’ manner. I’ve started having regretful thoughts ‘Should I have even had children?’. These then move onto Karma.. ‘What did I do to ‘deserve’ this behaviour?’. Followed swiftly behind by the ‘what if’ train ‘What if I did this, or that?’. I’m Frustrated. Confused. Fed Up. Sad. Angry. Depressed. Emotional. Emotionless. Exhausted. and at times I feel so ‘mood swingy’, my emotions go from one extreme to the next – like his behaviour.
I think these feelings are worse because it isn’t like I HATE all parts of motherhood, because I don’t. It’s horrible because I only feel this way due to behaviour of one within the troop. It literally all boils down to that. The cold hard truth. It does not mean I love any less, in fact I love more, over the top if you will, to try and ‘fix’ things. It really stings to write it. I never thought I would share this intimately. But the loneliness and isolation due to lack of understanding from those immediately surrounding us eats away the quieter I keep.
The truth is. I love my children more than anything. But there are days when simply, love isn’t enough. Some days I am not enough for my kids. They want my patience, which is depleted. They want my attention, which I’ve run out of. At the end of these days, I can’t muster more than keeping them fed, safe and warm. They deserve better. I honestly feel like the shittest Mum, for feeling the way I do. I know I’m not, because the fact that I care, speaks volumes. And I long for better days, but for now, I’ll ride the storm, on an inflatable flamingo with a hole in her wing, slowly drowning, but hopefully not before someone comes along with one of those sticky patch thingies to repair the hole (which by the way is probably super hard to do whilst mid storm in the middle of the ocean – cause yeah.. I ride flamingos in Oceans.. nothing is more invigorating than riding a bird that cannot swim in a body of water that is filled with marine animals that would like to consume said flamingo. In fact I’m fairly certain flamingos probably can’t even float along the water like other birds – have you ever seen a flamingo float? Yeah me either. Risk Taker! p.s that was my attempt at ‘lightning’ the mood. Get it, lightening / lightning / storm. Okay I’ll shut up)
Anyways, I guess I don’t actually know the ‘purpose’ of this article? Maybe a vent, maybe a teeny tiny cry for HALP, maybe a bit of both lol? But if you are reading this and you are feeling these feelings, then please know you aren’t alone. I often wish there were others letting me know that. Because I tell you what, the world is very big, yet so small. People are always happy to take your highs, but disappear when your low.